Humour

The following is a full list of the quotes cycled in the box at the top of the site: I hate quotes. Tell me what you know. Emerson Jupiter is the planet with the shortest day: slightly under 10 hours. However, its years are 12 times as long as ours. Become friends with, or marry, a computer techie! That way, when your computer crashes, dies or simply doesn’t work well, you have someone to turn to who won’t cost an arm and a leg. ...

I found this one day when I SSH’d into my Slackware box, always thought it was amusing; Creation God's genesis.log from His UNIX machine #In the beginning was the computer. And God said :Let there be light! #You have not signed on. :God. #Enter user password. :Omniscient. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Omnipotent. #Password Incorrect. Try again! :Technocrat. #And God signed on 12:01 a.m., Sunday, March 1. :Let there be light! #Unrecognizable command. Try again! :Create light. #Done. :Run heaven and earth. #And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:02 a.m., Sunday, March 1. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Monday, March 2. :Let there be a firmament in the midst of the water and... #Unrecognizable command! Try again! :Create firmament. #Done. :Run firmament. #Done. #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Monday, March 2. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. :Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and... #Too many characters in string specification! Try again! :Create dryland. #Done. :Run dryland. #And God created Earth and Seas. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Tuesday, March 3. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. #Unspecified type. Try again! :Create sunmoonstars. #And God created Sun, Moon, Stars. And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, March 4. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Thursday, March 5. :Create fish. #Done. :Create fowl. #Done. :Run fish'nfowl. #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. #And God saw there were 0 errors. #And God signed off at 12:01 a.m., Thursday, March 5. #And God signed on at 12:00 a.m., Friday, March 6. :Create cattle. #Done. :Create creepy things. #Done. :Now let us make man in our image. #Unspecified type! Try again! :Create man. #Done! :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the seaand over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands! Try again. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden. #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Gard.En. #Done. :Move man to Gard.En. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 4 errors. :Copy woman from man. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 3 errors. :Insert woman into man. #Illegal parameters. Try again! :Insert man into woman. #O.K. :Run multiplication. #Execution terminated. 2 errors. :Create desire. #Done. :Run multiplication. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create freewill. #Done. :Run freewill. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Undo desire. #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. : Destroy freewill. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Help! #Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. #Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help. :Create Treeofknowledge. #And God saw man'nwoman being fruitful and multiplying in the Gard.En. #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors. :Create good'nevil. #Done. :Activate evil. #And God saw he had created shame. #Warning: System error in sector E95. Man'nwoman not in Gard.En. #1 errors. :Scan Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Man'nwoman cannot be located. Try again! :Search Gard.En. for man'nwoman. #Search failed. : Delete shame. #Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated. : Destroy freewill. #Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. :Stop! #Unrecognizable command. Try again! :Break :Break :Break #ATTENTION ALL USERS: SERVER GOING DOWN IN 5 MINS FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST, PLEASE SIGN OFF NOW. :Create new world. #You have exceeded your allotted file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created. : Destroy earth. #Destroy earth. Please confirm. #SERVER SHUTTING DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME ON SUNDAY MARCH 8 AT 6:00 A.M. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW! #And God signed off at 11:59 p.m., Friday, March 6.

Maintain your level of insanity, while driving others around you insane At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.) Insist that your e mail address be Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-king@companyname.com. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it ‘IN.’ Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favours” Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.” Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.” Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way. Dont use any punctuation As often as possible, skip rather than walk. Ask people what sex they are. Specify that your drive through order is “to go.” Sing along at the opera. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.” Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood. Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies Call the psychic hotline and just say, “Guess” Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won!”, “I Won!” “3rd time this week!!!” When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!” Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do” Tell your children over dinner. “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go” Every time you see a broom yell “Honey, your mother is here” Send this to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you.

Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like. Pay your electric bill in pennies. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans. Make a list of things to do that you have already done. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day. Dance naked in front of your pets. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. Drive to work in reverse. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa and vice-versa. Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out. Write a short story using alphabet soup. Polish your car with earwax. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages. Start a nasty rumour and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you. Braid the hairs in each nostril. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper. Do your assignments in binary code. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.