An almost complete list of 'Things Not To Say...'

Don’t you have some laundry to do, or something? No, really, I was laughing about…this joke I heard one time. *Point the remote control and repeatedly press the mute button* Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset. You’re just upset because your caboose is starting to spread. Wait a minute, I get it… What time of the month is it? Are you gonna cry? Force lip to quiver mockingly? Cry for your mommy? You sure you don’t want to consult the great Oprah on this one? Sorry, I was just picturing you naked. That reminds me. Next time you go to the store, could you add ‘giant cork’ to the shopping list? Whoa, time out honey, Frasier’s back. Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning. Is there anyway we could do this via e-mail? Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife. I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now. Whom are you kidding? We both know that thing isn’t loaded. Please note we are most definitely NOT responsible for the consequences if you actually try one of these during an argument to see what happens. ...

I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Australia) Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in Aren’t you the guy from the Village People? Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job! Are You Andy or Barney? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you? I pay your salary! Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are. When the Officer says “Gee Son….Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?” Please note we are most definitely NOT responsible for the consequences if you actually try one of these on a real police officer. ...

Oops *suprised* Oh. What the… Awww I have to poop Smile for the Camera Get off, I’ll do it myself You’re almost as good as my ex When is this supposed to feel good? BAA! Where’s the key for the handcuffs? (not always bad however) On second thought, lets turn the light off But everyone looks funny naked Do I have to pay? Do you take VISA? (bonus points if you’ve picked up your wallet at this point) What’s your name? Hold on, let me change channel I think the condom broke like 10 minutes ago What condom? I hope you don’t expect a raise for this Hurry up, the game’s about to start Is that smell coming from you? You’re so much like your sister Can we order a pizza? But you just started! Is it in yet? Did I tell you my Aunt Betty died in this bed? Your best friend does this much better Stop moaning, you sound stupid I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat? Don’t make that face at me I hope you’re as good looking when I’m sober Your mother’s hot. Can you fix us up? Just use your finger, it’s bigger Can you hold this sandwich for me? You woke me up for that? We’ll try again later when you can satisfy me, too If you can’t do it, I’ll find someone else who can And to think, I didn’t even have to buy you dinner I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker Want to see me take out my glass eye? Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this? Hurry up, I’m late for a date I’m out of ammo! That’s never happened before (for best effect use immediately after the previous) Bird in each hand and one in the bush Quick! Help my open this lift door with my penis!